The other day my wife took my 4 year old son to the park to feed the ducks. She figured that they would go in the afternoon and that way the ducks would be well fed and more sedate. Such was not the case. My wife and my son started to feed the ducks. The ducks completely surrounded my son, all quacking to be fed. My wife was concerned at how my son would react, but he remained calm. Then the geese came over and they were about chest level with my son and as he feed them them nipped at his hand. This he did not like. He yells to my wife, "the thucks are biting my hand." So then my wife instructs my son to give the birds smaller pieces so that they would not run out. My son starts to yell at the ducks. "Sthop biting me you sthupid thuck or I will kick you in the head!"

http://est.rbma.com/content/Rhymes_with_Orange?date=20081001

The other day the wife was driving with the kids in the car and her and
my daughter were talking about getting boots for her Halloween outfit.
They were wanting some hot pink boots, so my oldest son suggested "why not
just get some red or black boots and paint them"? That is when my four
your old son chimed in, “Why would you want to paint boobies? “That
is just wrong to paint boobies red or black. And who wants pink boobies”.
After they were done laughing they explained to him that the were talking about
boot and not boobies. That seemed to have made him feel better.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/23

I'm cheap! I'm fat also, but of the two, the scale tips towards me being cheap. I recently had some car troubles and had to take the trolley while my car was being serviced. I mapped out my route to make it to work andfound that if my wife would drop me off at the trolley station it would cost me $2.50 to take the trolley within a mile and a half of my work. My choices then would be to walk up hill for a mile and a half or take the bus the rest of the way. Did I mention before that I am fat? The bus ride for that additional one and half miles though was $2.25. So cheap beat out fat and I ended up doing this for a week. The worst thing about this that even though I was sweaty and learned to bring a fresh shirt with me to change into, I did not lose one stinking pound. So I am just as cheap and just as fat.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,


stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and


your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully


and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.


It doesn't matter which num ber you press,


nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep


or before the beep or after the beep.


But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.


If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.


If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.


Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,


hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.


You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.


You'll just mess it up. 

::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start killing


all the mentally ill people.


I started crying when I thought of you.


 Run little friend, run!!!!!

Bye Popsie
The other day my wife and kids dropped my father-in-law at the airport. As he was leaving my four year old son Evan said "Bye Popsie, I love you" and my father-in-law said "Bye." My son gets offended and says to my wife "Bye" what's up with that! So a few days later we were at my moms house and we were getting ready to leave so I told the kids to go upstairs and tell my mother good-bye. So they go upstairs and Evan says to my mother"Bye Granny, I love you." My mother responds "Bye Evan, I love you." So Evan heads down the stairs jvery satisfied and says to no one in particular, "Now that's how we roll."