ITCHEES

In our house, we call breast whether male or female, chi chis, which is a Spanish slang word for breast. Well My 2 year old son not quite able to master the word changed it to "itchees". One day the wife took him to a department store, where he saw rows and rows of bras. The little guy went crazy. He started screaming "Itchees! Itchees!” and then looking like a miniature Stitch from "Lilo and Stitch" started to rock back and forth making pinching motions with his hands and cried out "I just love itchees!"

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress .


MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I
did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights
on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
in the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find
me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the
sadist) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a vasectomy

Not Blue But Slightly Off Color